Umm I'm too high to move.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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