My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Randomize