Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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