in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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