We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Sorry about my life...
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
