Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
