You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
