Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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