I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
A+ Viking dick
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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