To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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