would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Pooping to opera.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
