I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
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