I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
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