We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Your mouth is God's brothel.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
