You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Randomize
