the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
