Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I'm really busy with my period
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