Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
