If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize