So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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