it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize