dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
