I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
