Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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