just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Randomize
