my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
