True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I looked at my own cervix.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
