Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
