I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
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