I wish my penis had an off switch
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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