From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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