I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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