I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
