You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
