my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
