So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
