I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
