he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
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