just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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