No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
