You can't special order awesome
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
