Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Randomize