That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
