i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
