Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Never joke about your clitoris.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
