I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Randomize
