CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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