There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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