I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
fuck your aforementioned shoe
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
