I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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