Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
