I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
