My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
