apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
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