Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
