Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
