I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
