someone threw a dead crab at me
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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