I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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