So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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