come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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